a taste of sadism
by mktoddsparky
Summary: /"you can't love me and i can't love you," he answers and then kisses her again, their tears mixing and freezing on their skin. "but we do," ginny breathes into the mist, lacing her fingers through his and wishing that everything would just stop./


**a taste of s a d i s m**

_**a draco/ginny/ harry oneshot**_

a brush, a slip, that's all it takes to capture her attention. her arm slips and nudges cold, pale skin and she refrains a shudder at the contact.

when she goes to apologize or at least greet the person, however, her blood runs molten and then freezes into pure ice, "malfoy."

his eyes narrow and an alluring purr slips through his plump lips, "sorry, i didn't see you."

she nods in understanding (because it isn't in her nature to be rude) and turns to walk away because she has potions with professor snape and she doesn't dare be late for that.

"you know, maybe if you weren't so plain I would have seen you," malfoy whispers, winking at her before strutting off.

_maybe if you weren't so plain…_the words smart but she can't manage to make a valid retort. her lips are sealed shut.

.

"you look pretty today, ginny," hermione compliments as the two girls wind their gryffindor scarves about their necks.

"thanks," ginny responds just as the fierce winds envelop them, sending their hair to flail like streamers in the wind.

and for a second the wind reminds her of being free and daring to be different and she swears she wants that. and then she shuts it down because she's a weasley and she has to be content with her normal, safe life.

[ malfoy isn't safe; he's dangerous and vindictive and like the wind that threatens to tear her apart.]

.

"have you ever tried doing a spell outside of class?" malfoy asks, his voice barely above a whisper as it curls in her ear.

"no," she insists, glaring at him as she walks away. she doesn't hesitate to perforate his desire to catch because she's the _safe one_ and he's the _predator_.

[you don't see the prey turning to kiss the predator as death stares it in the face. it's just not logical.]

so she doesn't see it fitting to tell him that in the following evenings she sits on the balcony, her brooding gaze fixated on the moon as she whispers "ridikulous" over and over.

and maybe, just maybe if she waves her wand just right and pronounces the incantation perfectly then maybe the blanket of stars will reveal a map…_a map to plot out her destiny._

.

"looking a little tired, aren't we?" malfoy asks several weeks later.

she doesn't dignify a response but she swears she can feel his piercing silver eyes boring holes in her head. it's as if he already knows that she took his challenge after all.

the scariest part of this whole change is that she actually finds herself wondering if he would approve of her.

[and the teeniest, tiniest part of her brain wants to change just to make him happy.]

.

_i-like-harry-i-like-harry-i-like-harry. _

she forces her brain to compute and forces an amiable smile on her face as harry potter approaches and gives her a gentle smile that's a little to intimate to suggest friendship.

"hi," he says as he gathers her in a hug.

[she keeps track of the time and notes that they hug for four seconds too long.]

"hi," she breathes into his neck, her gaze clouding and suddenly all she can see is silver and a dancing, dangerous smile that doesn't belong to harry.

.

he kisses her one winter afternoon, his body bending over her and heating her up from the inside out. his sleek blond hair tickles her chin and his silver, silver eyes gaze at her until she thinks she might suffocate.

"why?" is all she can ask when they part.

[the worst part of the situation is that she's not sure whether to smile or frown when, as his enemy, she should slap him and run away.]

"winter is my favorite time of year. everything…just…_stops_," malfoy whispers seductively, tightening his flickering green scarf.

and then, as he turns to walk away he pauses to mutter, "we can never be anything."

for the first time she swears she sees a flicker of guilt flit across his silver eyes. and then he's gone and she's left feeling used and hollow.

.

for several days after the forbidden kiss she remains floating on clouds.

and then, walking to class one afternoon, she hears them jeering, "i heard you kissed a weasley."

[she waits for malfoy to stand up for them and their feelings, although _desire_ would be a more accurate word.]

"it didn't mean anything." and with those words her world is shattered. she's so glad that nobody is walking with or near her because she swears she could just **scream** right about now.

and even that thought makes her choke because ginny weasley doesn't want to scream. ginny isn't in love and thus cannot get her heart broken.

[suddenly she's not sure who she is anymore.]

.

"sometimes i wish i weren't the chosen one," harry tells her as they lean against the railing on ravenhurst tower, watching the sun beam from behind the craggy hilltops.

"why?" she wonders, looking down at their hands and noticing how close their fingers are. if either of them stretch an inch forward their hands will meet.

the thought refuses to send butterflies coursing through her stomach and she wonders if she's truly the right person for him.

[after all, she rarely dreams now and when she does she sees silver eyes filled with mysteries and she wants to run away from all of this.]

"i want to be normal," he decides, pushing his circular lens up the bridge of his nose. "i want to fall in love and have a family and not worry about voldemort hunting me down every damn second of my life."

for a second her breath is stolen away and then she curls her arms around his waist and buries her head into his shoulder, "you're not normal, harry." the thought of him rushing out and possibly dying sends a rush of hurt to coil in her heart.

she doesn't want it to hurt.

.

she applies shadowy makeup and decides that nobody will ever hurt her again.

"ginny, are you alright?" hermione asks as they munch on tuna sandwiches for lunch.

"why wouldn't i be?" she never actually answers the question.

"because you've never worn that kind of makeup before and it makes you look…_haunted_." hermione has to pause before uttering the last word.

"nothing's wrong with a little change," ginny responds briskly, jumping up and walking steadily out of the hall before collapsing on the ground as the tears stream down her cheeks.

she thinks she **hates** him, she really does.

.

she throws herself into her studies partly to keep straight A's and partly to keep herself from going insane.

in the week before the winter semester finals she studies her heart out – harry visits her one afternoon and has to shake her awake. when she asks him what's the matter he tells her that she's not getting enough sleep – and her zealous work pays off when the council sends off a nearly perfect grade report to her parents.

her mum and dad sent her cards telling her how proud they are of her and her friends tell her they're jealous of how smart she is.

she sort of likes this new her.

[although she refuses to admit that the whole thing is a cover up to hide the fact that she's enthralled by darkness.]

.

for christmas she receives a lot of nice gifts. harry gives her a kiss on the cheek – _i-like-harry-i-have-to-like-harry – _and she smiles as though she couldn't have gotten a better gift.

and then she opens a tiny package to reveal a sparkling diamond necklace with an engraved description: _everything just stops. _there's no note telling her who it's from but she already knows who sent it and her chest is tightening and she wishes she could crawl far away.

"who's it from?" harry asks, poorly disguising jealousy.

smiling reassuringly at him she just lies smoothly, "dumbledore." because there's no need to alarm the chosen one when his ultimate mission is to destroy he-who-shall-not-be-named.

[and what sickens her the most is that malfoy's gift makes her the happiest girl alive.]

.

she chooses to eat dinner by herself outside in the beginning of january because for whatever reason she just can't stand to sit there and watch ron and hermione be all cute with each other.

"you know, you're becoming more like me every day," malfoy comments as he slips over to sit beside her.

"no, i'm not," she denies, her breath hitching as he grabs the diamond necklace swinging down to rest on her chest.

she wants to scream at him for letting her down and making fun of her in front of all his friends but the words get stuck in her throat, save, "i hate you."

he only looks at her with those huge, silver eyes, "you wish you hated me."

then he kisses her and she tastes delicious forbidden fruits and shadows swirl around their motionless forms.

"you taste like sin," he remarks when they part for air, their cheeks flushed and their panting rapid.

the awful truth is already beginning to dawn in her mind. she whispers, "so do you."

[and then they both walk away and pretend to be normal people not falling in love with sin.]

.

malfoy goes back to ignoring her and ginny feels like pulling her hair out.

"it means nothing." she hears him say those awful words in the hallway as he lavishes kisses on pansy's face and plump, pink lips.

_it means nothing…it means nothing…it means nothing…it means nothing. _

.

she dreams of forbidden kisses and shadows tracing their faces and soft lips and skin and broken promises.

she dreams of the words that always leave his mouth every time he kisses her and leaves, back to pansy and his world, "it means nothing. we can't do this."

and every night when she wakes up thrashing and screaming and dripping in sweat she still feels those piercing silver eyes watching her like a snake.

[but she won't admit that she needs him because they're from different worlds.]

.

he kisses her on valentines day behind a flurry of bushes and his lips taste like pure, undefiled sin, a complete irony.

"why do we even do this?" she asks when they're done and he's preparing to leave like always. she's not supposed to ask that question because then this becomes something more then a relief of stress.

when she asks that question these meetings become tangible and all too real.

"i don't know," he whispers, kissing her brow in what she considers a sweet gesture. he doesn't say the awful words that fracture her every time.

later that day she takes her necklace off to take a shower and when she comes back it has vanished and with it all traces of malfoy in her life.

[he refuses to meet with her ever again.]

.

once again she throws herself back into studying and one day hermione comes up to her.

"you need to sleep," the bushy haired woman insists.

"i'm fine," ginny answers and both girls know she won't give in.

"harry's been asking about your health." hermione attempts another route, writing out the last line of her charms essay. "he really cares about you and this is worrying him."

"i know," ginny says simply, brushing back her snarled auburn hair. "i care about him too."

when she sees hermione turn to leave something softens inside of her, a piece of her heart that malfoy has frozen up to this point. ginny can't just let them walk away from her, otherwise she'll be all alone.

"i'm sorry," she whispers quietly, the words scraping her throat as she forces them out.

the two girls hug and reassurances are made and then ginny is alone in the common room once more.

[better to put on an act for them than let them all just walk out of her life.]

.

three weeks pass and ginny decides she can't take the voices screaming in her head any longer.

_sinner…disappointment…sin…forbidden…different worlds…forbidden. _

she meets with harry in the attic to hide his potions book, using that as the perfect excuse, and kisses him when his eyes are closed.

he tastes like purity and light and everything that draco isn't and all she can envision while kissing harry is silver eyes and merciless sin as lips meet in a devouring passion.

"i've been waiting to do that for a long time." she isn't talking to harry when she says that and for the first time in forever she feels guilty for using the chosen one.

harry wraps his arms around her then and she snuggles into the crook of his neck, closing her eyes and picturing herself away on a far land away from all this pain and confusion and silver eyes gazing at her with an expression she doesn't want to classify.

[she considers leaving but she can never do that to her friends.]

.

a week later harry meets her in the gardens and slides his fingers through hers. she squeezes his fingers and feels a tiny spark there, one she hopes to nourish because he's the one she _wants_ to be with.

the one she _**needs**_ to be with is disappearing more and more lately and she hasn't tasted lips of sin in so long.

"malfoy's a death eater," harry tells her in all seriousness. "nobody else believes me but i knew you would."

at one point in life she would collapse on the cold ground but now she is much better at hiding her emotions – malfoy was right all along, telling her she's turning more and more like him.

"oh," is all she says. "i believe you." then she kisses harry, desperate for him to take the pain away, suck it away like a vacuum.

because malfoy can't possibly be a death eater. he would never betray everyone like that, not him, not ever.

[she digs her fingernails into her skin and remembers stolen kisses and silver eyes and prays that draco is safe.]

.

"what's going on?" she asks him as they walk along a shaded path. her eyes trace a network of scars and bruises on his skin and she wishes he would let her heal them.

then again, he is as proud as his legacy demands.

"nothing," malfoy mutters agitatedly, grasping her hand almost without meaning to.

"i won't let you do this," she hisses, pulling him towards her. her eyes flash with determination and fear for him. it's amazing that even after all he's done to shake her off that she still cares for him.

"what are you talking about?" he asks, his distracted gaze spinning all around to make sure nobody sees them. but it's more than that; he acts as if a ghost is coming to spirit him away.

"i won't let you become a death eater. i won't let _him_ kill you," she exclaims fiercely, kissing his chapped lips before he can protest.

"ginny, you have no idea what you're talking about," he mumbles her name correctly for the first time and that's how she knows he's scared.

"_you can't die_," she whispers, touching his cheek and wincing as he flinches away from her.

"you've got potter now. you don't need me," malfoy changes the subject on her.

"harry is _**nothing **_compared to you!" and with that heart-wrenching admission she rushes off to the safety of her room.

[some part of her believes that nowhere and nobody is safe anymore.]

.

"ginny, you okay?" ron questions her as they lounge in an empty classroom.

she forces a tight smile onto her vacant face but the effort is weak, "yeah, just worried about harry." it's a dead lie but she's so good at brushing off the truth now so nobody notices.

her brother hugs her then, auburn on auburn, and states, "harry's just stressed about stuff with dumbledore. you know that."

she sees forbidden moments and gleaming silver that is now tarnished with fear and dull, dull, dull.

"i know, but i worry anyways." she turns to gaze out the window again, down at malfoy as he just sits there with pansy, stroking the other girl's luscious russet hair.

finally ron pulls away from the hug just as hermione enters the classroom, shooting him a shy smile, "hey."

ginny waves goodbye to the lovebirds and sighs, releasing pent up frustration. then she picks up her potions book and turns to page 157.

[because at least she can control her grades, unlike everything else in her life.]

.

she watches katie bell and harry talk about her recovery and she knows that all her dark headed beau is worried about is who cursed katie in the first place.

and then katie peers over harry's shoulder and ginny watches as the beautiful griffindor locks gazes with malfoy.

[ginny shouldn't want to rush over there and strangle katie for looking at malfoy in that way but she does and it's overpowering.]

tears bud in malfoy's eyes and his red-headed secret is the only person who notices them and then his silver eyes blink and he is rushing out of the hall, harry shadowing him.

ginny gets up and follows them, her heart thumping madly in her chest as she tucks into an alcove just behind one of the mirrors in the boy's restroom. she fears that her heart will pump out of her chest and whirl away to god knows where and with that thought her whole body starts trembling.

malfoy's stony fingers curl around the sink, his silver, silver eyes piercing the mirror and tears leaking from his eyes and she knows he sees her.

"don't do this, draco," she whispers, listening to the sound of his desperate, gulping sobs. boiling tears secrete down his ashen cheeks and splash on the tiled floor. "we can save you..._i promise_."

[those words blaze in her heart and she knows that she means them above all else: _i promise - i promise - i promise._]

and then harry just has to ruin the moment by accusing malfoy of hexing katie and then spells are flying in every direction. one hits the tap and water sprays in every direction and another shatters the mirror and shards of shimmering glass cut into her skin.

and then harry mutters "sectumsempra" and malfoy falls with a groan to the cold, cold floor and ginny can feel her heart breaking as crimson blood spreads across the front of his pressed shirt, permanently staining the material.

for a moment ginny considers hating harry for what he's done but she can't tell him anything - if she tells harry that she saw their meeting then she won't see malfoy ever again.

**it's a sacrifice she's willing to make**.

.

she stands there on the stairwell and watches draco run away from the scene and sees dumbledore fall…fall…fall. harry screams for their headmaster to wake up but he doesn't.

she can't get the image of malfoy out of her mind; she should be worried about harry but she's just not. she dreads the thought of those silver eyes closing forever and prays that the blonde haired boy doesn't choose that alternative.

"i told you we could save you." the words slip through her lips, tentative and whispered agonizingly.

_i told you we could save you._

.

harry kisses her at her home at the end of summer and says that he's not going back to hogwarts. she's not surprised but the thought of being all by herself on campus is frightening.

"i'll miss you," she tells harry, smiling vaguely as he kisses her forehead but really she's wondering if draco is still out there somewhere.

she hasn't been the same since she saw draco almost kill dumbledore and then snape finish the job. she freezes every time she pictures those silver eyes filled with pride and regret.

"i love you," harry replies softly, kissing her, and she knows she's supposed to say it back.

"i love you, too," she whispers both to harry and the silver eyes that she's buried in the back of her heart.

[it's time to move on with her life and forget those mysterious silver eyes…if only she could.]

.

during the winter ginny sits on _their _bench in the middle of a storm, closes her eyes and listens to the sound of the wind shrieking and the snow padding against the ground.

it's malfoy's favorite season and she feels the ache in her heart start to subside as she remembers every stolen word and caress they shared here.

"i miss you," she admits into the blizzard, her breath hitching as familiar silver eyes pierce her from just a foot away.

he doesn't say that he missed her, doesn't say anything at all, only crosses the distance between them and kisses her full on her lips. he still tastes like forbidden fruits and pure, untainted sin and she can't stop the tears that leak down her cheeks.

"i shouldn't be here. you're with harry now," malfoy mutters when they part.

"i love you." that's all she says and all they both need to hear.

"you can't love me and i can't love you," he answers and then kisses her again, their tears mixing and freezing on their skin.

"but we do," ginny breathes into the mist, catching a snowflake on her tongue and lacing her fingers through malfoy's.

[and for the first time since dumbledore's death she feels whole…_right_.]

.

"i did it," harry cries victoriously as he picks ginny up and spins her around, placing dozens of kisses on her face and lips. "i finally defeated him."

ginny lets him gather her in his arms because she needs to be with someone safe even though her heart longs for silver eyes and spoken "i love you's" in the middle of a blizzard, "we're safe."

she should be so happy that harry loves her and she thinks she loves him but it's not enough. it's never been enough but it must suffice because she can't go crawling back to forbidden love.

[at least while harry's watching.]

.

"he proposed to me," ginny tells malfoy as she rests in his arms in his manor. somehow she knows that she had to tell him that because if she marries harry then their little game will have to end forever.

"and you accepted it," malfoy finishes her sentence, shifting his nude form under the blanket and kissing her bare shoulder.

she simply nods and buries her face into his shoulder, needing his comfort for once in her life because she wishes that things were different. she would do anything for things to change.

"we knew this day would come," draco whispers against her skin, stroking her hair that shimmers beautifully in the moonlight.

"yes, but i was never prepared for it to actually happen," ginny confesses as several tears roll down her cheeks. "i love him, too, draco, and i can't hurt him."

"i know you love him and i knew you would accept his proposal," draco answers smoothly, rolling on top of her and heating her entire body. "at least we can spend this time together."

she can't bring herself to answer, so she just buries her head into his neck and nods, "i love you."

"i love you too," he whispers, capturing her lips in a gentle kiss. normally their stolen moments are rushed but now his silver eyes gleam with peace.

[their words set her figuratively on fire, threatening to tear her apart and heal her all at once. she's never felt so alive.]

.

"i'm leaving," malfoy tells her several evenings later, pacing back in forth in a strained manner ginny recognizes so well.

"where?" she asks softly because she's not surprised. she knows he always had plans to leave and it shouldn't bother either of them because she loves harry and she's getting married and he's determined to fall in love as well.

"nowhere in particular," he answers, running a shaking hand through his blonde, blonde hair. "i just need to get away from all of this."

she knows it's her fault he's leaving because she's marrying the wrong man and malfoy can't take their proximity anymore. she doesn't blame him, "when are you leaving?"

"next week," malfoy mutters, finally turning to look at her. his blazing silver eyes pierce her as they always do and she falls in love with him for the thousandth time.

"come to my wedding before you leave." she shouldn't ask that of him because surely it will only hurt him but the inquiry already travels the abyss between their bodies and she can't take it back.

he doesn't answer her and with a sad smile she turns to go, "i wish things were different."

"don't we all?" he remarks with a little smirk, waving her away and clothing himself in darkness.

[and she figures out that she's belonged to him all along.]

.

"can we have the wedding next week?" she asks her fiance as she faces the window looking out over the blooming gardens. she can't bear to meet his innocent gaze.

she's so defiled, so tarnished and worthless. she doesn't deserve harry.

"why?" harry asks, surprised, weaving his strong arms around her waist and resting his head on her shoulder.

she shivers at the close contact, scrambling for what to say, "because i love you too much to wait." she never speaks those words to harry…yes she says them out loud but they're

meant for devilish silver eyes and snake emblems.

"whatever you want," he breathes gently, kissing her neck.

[and she's so relieved that he doesn't say i love you because now she doesn't have to say it back.]

.

she dreams of silver eyes and haunting messages the eve of her wedding and wakes in the middle of the night thrashing in her bed. a burning message hisses against the frosted window pane: _everything just stops. _she smiles, knowing _he's_ here to be with her for the final time.

"are you okay?" harry mumbles sleepily from the floor. he's taken to sleeping near her every night just to be at her beck and call twenty-four seven and she should consider it sweet but she doesn't. it's just irritating.

"yes," she whispers sweetly, "i have to use the loo." she waits until she can hear him snoring again before leaving her rumpled bed covers.

she slips out of the house and walks to the edge of the willow trees, waiting for those familiar silver eyes to appear. considering she lied to harry and left her whole family unaware of her disappearance she feels utterly at peace.

"will you be there tomorrow?" she asks malfoy as he kisses a trail down her neck, lying her down on the soft earth.

"i don't know," he mumbles into her skin, eliciting a gasp and shiver from the red headed girl beneath him.

"i love you," she tells him in all honesty, ripping off his shirt and eyeing the way his bare torso glistens in the moonlight.

"we shouldn't," he answers, continuing on onto the last night of their insurmountable passion. "i shouldn't love you," he whispers.

she smiles as she feels him slip the diamond necklace about her neck and watches it shine in the dusty light, echoing the bottomless silver of his eyes, "but we do love each other."

_i will always belong to you. _she never tells malfoy those words, treasuring them in her heart to the very end.

.

"do i still taste like sin?" she whispers weakly into malfoy's chest when they're done, resting for the last few moments together before she must leave back to a false life and a joyless ending.

[not all realistic endings can be happy…_especially not theirs_.]

"always," he whispers back, capturing her lips for the last time in a soft, lingering kiss while the shadows dance around their nude forms.

[two minutes later she kisses his brow and tells his goodbye for the final time before dressing and heading back to her new life with a man that knows _absolutely nothing_ about her. **she never truly recovers**.]

.

she walks down the aisle dressed in her breathtaking cream dress and she should be looking at harry and catching the twinkle in his eye but instead she's checking out the area around her using her peripherals.

"do you, harry potter, take ginny weasley to be your lawful wedded wife?" the pastor intones.

ginny catches a glimpse of blonde – nearly white at some occasions – hair and gleaming silver eyes in the bushes behind the alter and knows that _he_ is here to watch her wedding.

"i do," harry answers confidently, glancing at her.

she swallows back tears at how unjust this is – she wants draco to be in harry's place but it was _never meant to be_ that way so she _**has to move on**_ – and forces a smile, pretending that these are tears of joy.

[draco's not safe for her, not then, now now and not ever and she has to get that in her head and stop being so stubborn. but none of that truly matters because she loves draco and she wants him but _she can't have him_.]

"do you, ginny weasley, take harry potter to be your lawful wedded husband?" the pastor asks her and it's come down to this.

the word 'no' bubbles to mind but when she looks for malfoy's silver eyes he is already gone and she knows he's not coming back, that he's choosing to move on. so she must either choose harry or nobody at all.

her mother is crying happily and her father is ready to applaud and harry is glancing expectantly at her and if she says anything but a dead lie _everyone will hate her_.

"_**i do**_." and her fate is sealed.

.

she attends draco's wedding several years later and captures the memory in her mind like a frozen picture.

her love hasn't dimmed at all and when she looks at his beaming silver eyes she knows that she'll never stop loving him – _she always belongs to him_.

he's looking at a pale faced woman tenderly and her doesn't see ginny and when she sees the engagement as he clutches the stranger woman's hands she knows that he's _fallen in love with someone else. _

and with that revelation she slips away, back to her new life with harry, a peculiar smile tracing the edges of her lips. malfoy never sees her that day and she's glad.

[because she sees him love someone else and, ignoring the consistent ache in her chest, she knows that she just wants him to be happy.]

.

she's sleeping in harry's arms five years later, a smile placed on her face as she dreams about silver eyes and forbidden kisses and finally experiences closure over the matter.

[because she accepted that she will never stop loving malfoy a long time ago and wouldn't change her life for anything.]

golden tears drip down her face because she remembers the heartache of her forbidden love and remembers the shock on his face as he rushed away from the falling dumbledore. she awakens with a slight start and looks around her and finds a silver stone perched on her nightstand with the words _everything just stops _etched on the smooth surface and she knows draco has visited her once more.

for the first time the notion doesn't hurt.

"i love you," she whispers into the night, speaking to those mysterious silver eyes and then her own eyes close as she drifts back into slumber.

if she had stolen a glance out the window she would have seen a familiar figure perched by the willow trees where they made love so many years before, his silver eyes burning with passion for her and her alone.

without a word draco malfoy turns and disappears into the night, the mist cloaking him in shadows as he disappears.

**the end**


End file.
